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and for the not so naturally happy people to start feeling happy
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i keep dreaming incoherent dreams that i didn't know i thought about!!! HELP!
and i keep falling down, like literally, big bruises in weird places uggghhh
- sensitivity- dont be so sensitive, don't vocalize things too much
-emotions- nt everything is the drama of the century, things can be resolved way easily!
-pressure- debunk the typical girlfriend pressure! just be... EAZY!
will check back on this entry in a month to see if i've made any progress... will allow myself to breathe easier then.
its work, work, work for me!
dance on mondays, wednesdays and some sundays
production is near! ooh exciting!
lose weight! lose 5 kg!!!!!!!!!! if i can do that i can do anything
or die trying
not pathetically begging.
im changing for myself this time, but you're still behind all of it . im giving myself a few days off before i really start finding myself.
when i'm done changing, will you still be here?
i pray for help but god doesnt seem to hear me... maybe i haven't been really faithful that's why...
it's time to let go sarah... its time to be a better person...
what it tastes like: mustard
i thought it was a chilli seed and was about to swallow it until i spit something black and gross in my hand and it was a freaking disgusting BLACK ant gross gross grossssssssssssssss
- hei ice cream from awfullychocolate
- prata
- hogs breath lunch yum!
- prive again
- picnic ("peekneeeek "TERRI)
- e's steak
- quantum of solace
- SHOP
- KOH SAMUI
- make my room pretty
- do something to my hair - cuT? dye? perm? cut dye and perm?
- practise FA/finance (so nerdy i know)
- drink BEER without worrying about a hangover affecting my work
- some nice cake somewhere havent found any grrr
people rarely see this side of me in real life i guess, i've got the acting happy in front of people thing down pat. this is sort of a rant so just stop reading here if you're not in the mood.
recently i've been questioning why i'm in a relationship. its not because im with a bad guy or anything, its quite the contrary, but i'm also with the most pragmatic of guys. when we quarrel, im bombarded with things like, cost-benefit analysis and the value of our relationship.
i know im a girl, but i'd like to believe there's more to a r'ship than that. those are very valid concerns, but they aren't what a r'ship is about. you, you have to figure out what it means to you but if the pragmatic is all a relationship is about then im sorry, you've got it wrong.
why do i feel so vulnerable and alone even when im with someone? i never felt this way when i was single, i could rely on myself, exert some kind of axis of control. why don't i feel like you'll be here for me through thick and thin? you say you'll be there for the big troubles. but how can i trust you if you're not even here for the small things?
i really really hate quarrelling. i guess i wear my heart onmy sleeve and i don't like being sad, really. im really trying not to be selfish here, but seeing you go to that party afore-described as a "pussy fest" was really really difficult. i don't know that i can trust you not to do anything. i guess its difficult to trust you given your past and its unfair to bring the past in but i still do. the reason you trust me so much is because i always think of you first. i wouldnt go to some freaky wild party if i knew i was emotionally vulnerable, and you know that. do i know that about you? no, i don't.
everytime we quarrel, i really feel like giving up. not because of the quarrel, but because of what usually concludes it. you stop in the middle of the road, attempt to leave, go on as usual for your planned activity and leave me to pick up the pieces. i still worry about you when we quarrel but its like im out of your mind. i dont think you would care if i was dead or alive. you accuse me of emotional blackmail but you're the one playing mind games with me.
i hate quarrelling because of all the vulgarities that fly out your mouth. im not a prude i used those words sometimes too but never on someone. ive only shouted it at you one time because i wanted you to feel it. you nearly couldn't forgive me but i've heard it 100+ times from you and it has not gotten better, only worse. "shut up, f off, f you, get the f away".... i don't know how to handle this, or the physicality. is this normal? its never happened to me before.
how am i supposed to know what you want when you don't even know what YOU want? im really not someone you can push aside when you don't need me. i dont exist to provide you with fun when i accompany you to a party. im really not your toy. go with me to a party because you want me there for ME. not for the enjoyment i can provide YOU.
- Mood:
disappointed
my face does not match my neck, which really really worries me! this is sooo bimbotic but i can't tan my face, because i will get pigmentation faster than the average girl, experiments have shown.
so now i can:
1. wear a scarf to hide my neck
2. scrub religiously
3. oil of olay?????
4. darker foundation (YUX)
5) fake tan (gross i dont want to be ORANGE)
what is the point of this entry? maybe i am bored. maybe i am going crazy because i've just finished my apb survey and focus group questions and seeing the likert scale just makes me super scared and everything just makes me feel like screaming.
on ynr, i feel no urge to work for them. i hate the frigging richards and how they are expecting me to do their project for them. i REFUSE.
yet i feel guilty. i should email S soon explaining why. what can i say though.
i am in the lib now, ive stayed long enough to hear semisonic sing closing time.
time to go home buddiezzzzz
on everyone asking how's me and pwee, we're OK. we're not great yet, but we're just ok. hoping things will be gr8 soon. happygal87:)
days have been so busy i can barely catch my breath. most things are just plain contradictory like how i feel more confident but just more insecure when it comes to you.
this is a thoroughly incoherent entry but i just feel so damn GRUMPY and insignificant and whats the point of shopping and making myself look nice when no one notices anyway? when all the time we spend together is just pittance and stupid and insignificant. WHERE IS THE FUN?
in other things, life is great! i think my r'ship is back on track after last week's ultimatum. i know it sounds ridiculous that the emotions are all over the charts and seesawing up and down, but its now a bull run for the r'ship. i'm really happy the way things are going looks like it's going to be long term. what works for others may not work for me, i dont need to see/talk to him everyday. i like the space to get my own thoughts back and space to breathe, i find myself becoming less sensitive, less emotional, less needy. i like it this way. i used to worry what i would busy my newly freed time with, but days are surprisingly filling up very quickly so i have to be aware of juggling the r'ship with friends and all that. freshman bash was sleazy, but it was a blast!
i'm also glad that A's in my pr writing class. i doubt she reads this anymore but A!!!! im super happy. i reminisce about times with her and chingay but i get the feeling that those times are over. its bittersweet i guess... the silliness of those times linger but the reality of how much each of us has matured also brings a new dimension to our friendships. i look to her as an example, to be more studious and heck care about self image and be less conscious. it really is refreshing!
i have been obsessed with reading fashion blogs lately but sg fashion is so depressing. must everything nice be expensive? TF makes me despair now there is nothing nice and CHEAP anymore. i shop and shop and buy things i dont like. its making me so so upset!
Salvation Army Family Thrift Stores
309 Upper Serangoon Road Singapore 347693
Tel: 6288 5438
500 Upper Bukit Timah Road Singapore 678106
Tel: 6349 5312
7 Upper Changi Road North Singapore 507705
Tel: 6546 0309
Blk 4 Changi Village Road #01-2078 Singapore 500004
Tel: 66545 5722
Blk 133 Jalan Bukit Merah #01-1530 Singapore 160133
Tel: 6275 5877
Institute of Mental Health Buangkok Green Medical Park
10 Buangkok View Singapore 539747
Tel: 6385 3874
(((Abv list by Salvation Army Website)))
xx
Good As New Charity Shop
800 Margaret Drive
M.I.N.D.S. Employment Development Centre
New 2 U Shop
96 Waterloo Street
Singapore Council of Women's Organizations
Treasure MINDS
800 Margaret Drive
Movement for the Intellectually Disabled of Singapore (MINDS)
HYSTERIX VINTAGE STORE
505 Beach Road
#02-200 Singapore 199583
Tel : 62925261
Thieves Market
Sungei Road, near Sim Lim Square.
all i want is for you to tell you you want to be with me, i think deep down inside thats really all ive been waiting to hear so i KNOW
i keeep crying nowadays for no apparent reason. while it would certainly be convenient to blame it on the hormones i feel the need to explain it to E though i have been hesitating for ages and ages... three weeks to be precise?
i cant get over what happened in that hotel room in hk and more importantly i cannot forget the words that he spoke, what he said about our r'ship... it makes me insecure. why am i working so hard at this relationship? does he see it? or is the r'ship just a burden to him, no difference being single or being in a r'ship.
that is the real reason i keep crying and crying. now if only i could tell him without any fear of making things worse.
been able to do some thinking in the down time from hongkong. it isnt easy admitting your faults, and i find this entry super hard to write. however to improve, i feel i need to get it down and really work on it. in some ways, being in a relationship is effective as a mirror to your faults, while i detest quarrels i think they are the best reflection on what you need to work on.
first things first, i am tooo damned sensitive. i think i need an internal filter to control my reactions to things, to evaluate the situation before i react on my first instinct. i have to learn to take a step back before i react.
second, i am too emotional. i like talking to T in that she teaches me that you don't need to vocalize everything. again, i need to CONTROL myself and my thoughts and try to hold it in. afterall, my emotions can be ammunition used against me.
third- this is a sidetrack but is something im dying to tell E but don't know how to put across without sounding trite. im going to be the EASY girl i started off being, without being too caught up with the pressures of being in a relationship. im going to treat him like a friend only with benefits, and put less pressure on him and on the relationship. i've been thinking too much of the end in mind. why should i? i should just enjoy the ride. after all, i started off thinking it was a fling and that it wouldnt last. though it was a bad way to think it enabled me to treat the relationship more lightly and be able to let go more easily. so that's what i'm going to do from now on.
fourth, i realise too that i'm quite irritable, and quite reactive. only people close to me will realise this as i'm quite the pro at hiding it. i think E bears most of it and in that aspect he's really got the patience of a saint. i dont know why im so irritable and hence irritating- maybe its the hormones- but im putting the blame on myself. i really have to control it.
fifth, i have to learn to like myself more. often i don't care about myself enough and put others before me. i'm not talking about being selfish exactly. but i have to learn to love myself more before E and my family and friends can love me. things like sleeping late, etc etc. i also have to learn to spend time by myself. often when im alone i hate being alone. but i've improved tremendously in liking myself i think, i can even shop by myself now without thinking ppl are staring at me weird.
i've always been scared of being happy. i was really happy the previous months and i think i couldnt handle it well, i started nitpicking. i will stop this! i can handle being happy. i deserve to be happy! E makes me happy, so why am i pushing him away instead of working on adding value to the relationship like i should?
when E says he wants to give up on the relationship, i feel like the glue of the relationship. i do wish he'd stop using quarrels as opportunities but i guess i understand where he's coming from.
don't give up on me please, i'm a work in progress!
i feel like a sad face now :( i really hate that im stuck in this position it feels like nothing's going up from here.
was my last post. i post so erratically on lj that i even wonder why i have a blog... to keep me company when i'm bored maybe. surprisingly i didnt have anything to say the entire duration of my internship. anyway, i have a secret mission to become good at guitar hero. at last count, i scored 20% on EASY and EASIEST SONG. practice upped my score to 41% but thats nowhere near passing.
in other news, twas e the wee's bday on wednesday. twas fun but had to share something about him in front of church ppl+friends and it made me slightly uncomfortable and SHY. not to mention his friends laughed when i said he's GROWN and he's nice INSIDE! funny mehhhhh.
kittycat recommended me a book aeons ago when we went thriting, so i got a copy of the secret history by donna tart the very same day, at a steal of one dollar!
so i put off reading the book for the longest time, because every venture into the first few pages left me puzzled, confused, disoriented. however, i persevered and though the dazed and confused mood pervades the book it actually is quite exciting to be lost in the world of greek. i've roughly half the book left to go, reading at a slower per normal speed so i can savour the references to greek history (this book makes boring ol greek sound so interesting!)
will post back on how i found the book but its good so far. kittycat is seriously the most ocd librarian i've met, she ctegorizes books and movies on her excel sheet and the collection is stupefiying and she gave me a personalized list of books i should read, customized for my personality!!!! where to get SERVICE like this, for free? i heart cat!
so in other news i'm done with my internship. it wasnt for the faint hearted- what would i have done without my vaio and without bong's company? died, probably. on my last day the boss went "err, i was afraid you were bored most of the time". me and bong SERIOUSLY didnt know how to reply. but overall i guess we learnt alot from KSN mostly and it was interesting to see how the public sector functioned (never again though!) so the most valuable lesson i've learnt so far is that i never ever ever want to work in the public sector, at least not for many years!
readers of my blog would know how sceptical i am of the powers of sm. so i've signed up for google adsense and a blogger account. is viral marketing really possible? we'll see!
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